Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Morning After Pill - Week 13

It was the best of games, it was the worst of games...

-Charlie Dickens: A sale of two t…oh, nevermind.

There are a lot of things to talk about here in the Advent season of the playoffs, but all these things are pushed out of my mind faster than Oakland pushed around that once vaunted San Diego defense. Everything, that is, except for the single best football game of this year: The Steelers/Ravens game on Sunday night at M&T (which shall henceforth be known as “Thunderdome”).

Yeah, I’m a homer for my black & gold, but show me a better game. Show me a division rematch between two 8-3 teams historically known for causing each other physical pain of Saw movie franchise proportions. Set that game against the backdrop of a controversy involving heavy hits, inconsistent officiating, and yes, pre-game whining by some of my Steelers ( I say take it like a man and see if you can find new, creative, bone-crunching ways to get fined).

As if that weren’t enough, throw in the typical Roethlisberger syndrome. “Ouch, I’m hurt, but I’m gonna play because I AM IRONMAN.” For the record, I think his “special shoe” was just an excuse to make him one inch taller, like I did for my son at Six Flags last summer so we could ride the extreme coasters.

I was already frothing at the mouth, and the game hadn’t even started yet. Then, in the first few minutes, we get Ben’s Raging Bull imitation as Ngata changes the geography of his face. With a nose like that, I’m considering making Big Ben an honorary Kampia (if you’ve seen my mug, you’ll understand), as long as he keeps Little Ben under control. Now, I just heard Ngata got fined for that hit (which wasn’t flagged), but the word is that originally Roethlisberger was going to be fined for “an illegal blow to the forearm with the pointy part of the face.” Thankfully, Ambassador Rooney threatened to call in the IRA if the league did not get this nonsense under control.

Speaking of uncalled hits and fines that are too late to matter, the Heath Miller concussion was one of the most brutal hits of the year by any player. What are the refs looking for again? It’s like watching my wife try to pick out an outfit. “Yes, that one, no not that one, does this one fit? I’m not sure I like that one…” Gaaaaagh!

Of course the game was a defensive battle through and through, and only superhuman tricks would break the gridlock. Props to Anquan Boldin for outwitting the savvy Polamalu and dumb-as-a-divot McFadden in the end-zone. That was a thing of beauty. Not so beautiful, but just plain deific, was Big Ben’s unreal escape and toss from Terrell Suggs’s sack.

In the end, of course, the natural balance had to be restored. The Ravens offense had to come back down to Earth and Polamalu had to embarrass them and make B’more fans yell, WTF?!?!? Order was restored to the universe.

Worst Game of the Year:

I think this weekend also gave us this gem as well, although I think it’s a tie between two other division matchups: the Skins/Giants or the Pats/Jets. You decide.

Skins/Giants

Any defense that allows Brandon Jacobs to break 100 yards and get two TD’s just isn’t trying anymore. Keep collecting those paychecks and logging your sick-leave, Redskins.

Hey, Danny boy! Knock Knock

Snyder: “Who’s there?”

Me: Orange

Snyder: “Orange who?”

Me: Orange you glad Haynsworthless is making off with 38 million of your dollas by the end of the year? Send him some Theraflu.

Meanwhile, Mcnabb plays like Rush Limbaugh and the Shannahan running game is becoming like the Star Trek franchise – it was very interesting and entertaining for a while, then it peaked, and quickly went straight downhill.

Jets/Pats

What really needs to be said if you saw the game (for lack of a better scatological term)?

I do have one weird suspicion, however. Anyone else find it an odd coincidence that Denver gets busted for “Spygate 2”, which leads in part to the firing of McDaniels, the same week that Bellicheat seems to have the Jets defense completely figured out? I smell deep, X-files like controversy involving several degrees of separation, with the poor Broncos taking the fall as the decoy cheaters. Now excuse me while I adjust my tinfoil hat. I hear the helicopters coming.

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