Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Afternoon After The Morning After Pill - Week 4

I’d like to start by apologizing to my fans and teammates. I accept full responsibility for my actions, and I plan to grow and mature from this experience.

You are probably expecting an explosive performance now so my storybook redemption can be complete. Well, I’m not Arian Foster. So here is some weaksauce typing off the top of my head.

So it took almost a decade and a half for the NFL to realize that fantasy football was not the enemy, but more like a symbiotic parasite that you can treat like a pet. Lately, however, it just seems like the NFL gets its kicks from effing with us. Surprise disciplinary benchings of core fantasy starters like Foster or suspending draft-able players for the first few games of the season are only a few examples. Now we are facing the possibility of an 18 game season and the RBBC Hell that would unleash, not to mention another worthless, “Will they bench Manning?” game in the fantasy playoffs. And if the 2011 season begins with a lockout, or worse – replacement players, what will we do with our keeper and dynasty leagues?

Well I say, “Enough!” The NFL needs fantasy more than we need the NFL. We can simulate a season on Madden 2011 and run our fantasy leagues from that data. What would the NFL do if we went on strike? Where would their ratings be? Would anyone on Earth have stayed up last night past 10:30 EST just to see if Brandon Marshall or Randy Moss got one more catch in garbage time? Our TV sets would have been as blank as the stands were in Miami (seriously, it looked like an evacuation drill there).

We fantasy football junkies could wreck the economy even worse than a stimulus package if we exerted our full power. We could put DirectTV out of business. What would be the point of paying for other service features like “NFL RedZone”? 3G phone data plans would be dropped from coast to coast if fantasy football took a hiatus. We simply have not realized our own strength.

So I propose the creation of the NFFL (National Fantasy Football League). We would have an equal seat at the table with Goodell, the Owners, and the Players Association for collective bargaining and rules decisions. I’ll reluctantly take on the role of NFFL Commissioner, and you can finance my efforts on your behalf through very modest league fees.

Under my representation, starting running backs will have 25 minimum required carries per game, regardless of the score. Mike Shanahan will be fined every week just for being a lying Shanahan. Backup quarterbacks will be required to have their names and social security numbers changed to match their starters’. You’ll never have to worry about your fantasy QB being benched or injured again (although if you have an Arizona QB, that may backfire). I’ll be preparing a full statement for the press once I get around to it, probably after I figure out whom to plug into my bye spots for week 5.

In other news…

These are the top three fantasy headlines that made me chuckle this week:

3) Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt indicated Sunday night that he'll base his Week 5 quarterback decision on the film from Week 4.

I didn’t know Whisy was into snuff films. I hope his decision doesn’t include murder-suicide, but after the film I saw, that could be a possibility.

2) Ray Rice (knee) knew entering Week 4 that he would not receive the start against Pittsburgh.

He must have been listening to my theme song. Everybody now...

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape
You don’t spit into the wind…

You know the rest by now.

And the number one fantasy headline of the week………..

1) Vick’s Vaporized

That’s just cruel, like kicking a puppy. Wait, bad analogy…

No comments:

Post a Comment