Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Morning After Pill - Week 2

So if you’re like me, you are realizing by now that you made a few mistakes in at least one of your fantasy leagues. Perhaps your draft strategy that included a powerhouse offense of Brett Favre, Michael Turner, C.J. Spiller, Percy Harvin, and Tony Gonsales just isn’t working . Never fear. The Morning after Pill can’t erase the soreness you still feel from the weekend pounding, but it can help you dodge the consequences of your bad choices.

Consider what really wins championships in any fantasy football league. Is it a good draft? One word: Ryan Grant (ok, that's two -- my Joe Biden impression, there). Is it quick waiver wire vulture play? Nope (Hope you didn’t drop Fred Jackson for Jason Snelling). The secret to winning is simple: raid your opponents’ rosters like a Steeler quarterback in a coed dormitory.

I’m talking buy low, and sell, high, baby. You have to make those trades that can barely get past the commish because they are so unfair. And now is the time to do the dirty deeds that just won’t fly later in the season when we have consistent performances to judge. But to do it right, you must become a master of...

The Jedi Mind Trick



Did he just say, “This is not the Lloyd you are looking for?”

If you can convince your sap friend to give up Malcom Floyd for Brandon Lloyd, you are a good padwan strong in the force. If you can sub Roydell Williams, you are a Jedi master. If you can swap in Carolina kicker Rhys Lloyd, you are a bad a$$ Sith.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves. The above scenario uses tip #5: Name Un-recognition. We need to start simpler.

Tip 1: The Jedi Mind Trick only works on the weak minded.

The first step is to choose your target sucker. This is pretty easy. Look for anyone in your league who is doing the following:

-Starting Buffalo Bills offensive players for any reason.

-Still talking smack on the boards about a Cowboys home Superbowl

-Still owns Matt Cassel.

-Still starting any fantasy RB against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

-Has a number in their team name to replace a word (like 2 instead of two). I just hate that and want to see them get screwed.

Just don’t get cocky. Heed this advice from Rex Ryan's post-game press conference:


That’s right, coach Ryan. It only works on the weak minded (has he lost weight?)

Tip 2: Talk down the player you want

“Hey, it’s too bad Jamaal Charles isn’t the starter. Let me take him off your hands. I really only need him as a backup to my ageless, beast keeper, Thomas Jones. Second round draft picks mean nothing after week 1.”

Tip 3: Talk up your player

“I’ll give you Hightower for Charles. He's a TD machine. You know Beanie is never going to play. Hey, If you want. I’ll take him off your hands as well.”

Now we are employing multiple strategies at once. This combo move also employs a more advanced tip: prey on the unfortunate.

Tip 4: Play Hard to Get

So what if you receive an offer, but you are a greedy bastich, like me, and want to sweeten the deal?

Observe the master once again:


Did he just say, “You don’t want to trade me Hakeem Nicks”?

Reverse psychology can be a powerful tool as well. Movie trivia, true story: In a deleted scene following the clip you just saw, Obi Wan goes out back and gets OBLITERATED on death sticks, but at a much cheaper price. Then he tells whiny Anakin to shove off and go pose for his fruity action figure.

The moral of the story is that if you are lucky enough to be the beneficiary of an offer from a weak minded fool, milk it like a lactating Mexican locker room reporter.

Tip 5: Name un-recognition

See opening paragraphs. Steve Smith. Nuff said.

Tip 6: Seduce others to join the dark side

Of course you can only go so far, even at the beginning of the season. You have to get past a commissioner or a league block. There are two possible solutions:

1) Corrupt the commish or the majority of the league by teaching them the ways of the dark side.

2) Screw over the commish. His ego won’t let him admit he’s been violated (even if you cries in the shower at home).

Until next week, happy trading, boy scouts!

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