Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Morning After Pill - Week 1

Welcome fantasy football addicts. The Morning After Pill is your weekly placebo intended to make you feel better, or at least put you out of your misery. Make sure to take within 48 hours of getting screwed by the fantasy gods.

If you are looking for knowledgeable insights and useful fantasy information, you are in the wrong article. I just like the sound of my own fingers on the keyboard. I’m still a step above Tony Korn-holer, but that’s not saying much, is it?

So to kick things off with more than over-used football puns, I’ll rip off a technique other fantasy football writers use when they have nothing significant to say. I give you my week 1 awards:

Mr. Rogers Puts on a Sweater Award:

Golly, it sure was nice to have the NFL back. I’ve been spending my Sundays in a hyberbolic chamber in an Eric Cartman-esque attempt to sleep through the wait time. So for giving me that warm, familiar, “Won’t you be my neighbor” feeling of routine, there are three winners:

Brett Favre: Thanks for throwing the first interception of the season. Say, I wonder if Tarvaris Jackson was one of the “Band of Brothers” who went and begged him to come back?

Dallas Cowboys: Like the faithful neighborhood trolley, right on time, they not only blew the final seconds of the game, but the first half as well. I think the planets are aligning for that home field Superbowl just so football fans can be treated to the grandest epic fail in the history of the universe (Other than The Highlander 2, of course).

Steelers: Sing it with me now…

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape.
You don’t spit into the wind
You don’t something, something, yada, yada…
And you don’t start your fantasy back against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Sorry, Turner owners. I could have told you, but you were playing him against me.

Twilight Zone award:

In contrast, a few things made me feel like I crossed over into a parallel universe. Two award recipients made me so uneasy I had to call Verizon customer service just to make sure they still suck (though who's to say Bizzaro Verizon doesn't just suck worse?).

Steelers: What, no kickoff return TD’s allowed? So that’s what it takes to win a game when your offense is anemic.

Mcnabb: Cheering from Fed Ex Field over a Mcnabb scramble is as weird as a shower love scene in a prison movie. Although I did see a few fans in the stands reflexively flinch like abuse victims.

Saving Private Ryan Opening Scene Award:

Green Bay/Philadelphia game: My wife asked me why the Fios internet slowed down. I told her to wait until the fantasy waiver wire vultures were done, and to stop bothering me while I checked Brandon Jackson’s availability in about 5 leagues. Too slow again.

Matthew Stafford: That’s ok, Matt. Sit on my dynasty bench a while so you can come back and suck like a Lion anyway.

Best Sportscaster:

Jon Gruden: Nothing is better than hearing him abandon all tact and professionalism when it comes to demeaning the refs. The head Monday Night official’s first name was Walt. I think Gruden had Walt Coleman tuck rule flashbacks again. Jon, on behalf of MNF fans everywhere, please keep skipping your meds.

Worst Sportscaster:

Mr. Bill Nye the Science Guy wanna-be: You saw him at half time giving us the amazing "Science of Football" with such gems as, “If he was running 0.5 mph slower, he would have been caught.” Thanks, Mr. Wizard. I think I saw your book of amazing science facts at Amazon. Wasn’t it called, The Complete Guide to Duh?

Best Commercial that may have only been local in my area:

“Shake Weight.” You have to see this exercise device to believe it. Please tell me I’m not the only male viewer who saw this and thought, “I don’t need a gadget to do those motions and get ripped. The good Lord gave me my own.” (Now why isn’t my upper body more toned?)


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